I’ve been so angry lately. Irritable and agitated. I feel like swearing. Really loudly. Just screaming profanities out into the world. However, it is very unbecoming of a young woman.
I want to smash the guitar that has been left in my bedroom, but strangely enough, not the violin. But it is not mine, so I searched cheap guitars for the purpose of having something in which I could channel my anger and rage, and maybe after getting it out of my system, I’d be able to get to the bottom of whatever is pissing me off and let it go. But that poses two problems: one, I wouldn’t want to break into tiny pieces something that might have meant something to someone once, because people have attachments to their instruments, right? Two, I already know some of the stuff that is pissing me off and I’ve never been any good at letting things so when I know them to just come back up again.
It’s not even huge stuff, it’s all the little stuff adding up: my time not being respected, people arguing politics with me – like, fuck off, I’ll vote for whoever I want and really, do you think screaming in my face is going to bring me around to your arguments? I mean, I’ll be the first to admit I don’t know all things politics, so my decision is based on what I do know and how it fits with my views. You would have much more success in getting me to change my vote by educating me on the things I don’t know. And I’m open to learning; I love it.
It’s people not arguing fairly: bringing up what I did when I was thirteen really isn’t fair, and yeah, it pisses me off. If I’m trying to keep calm, be an adult and resolve the issue at hand, why are you trying to argue with a teenager? Would it be easier to put me in the wrong and yourself in the right if you reduce me to being a child again?
It’s knowing that even if I could brush off these things, they are enforced on me by others. I am dreadful when I’m pissy, but I’m conscious of it, and I’m trying to actively be better. I don’t know. I don’t even know what I’m saying. I’m just sort of rambling. All I want to do is swear and get some of this annoyance out of my system.
Fuck fuck fuck.