My cousin is turning 25. He is in a long-term relationship and has just left his finance job to start his own business. I am 26 and still living like a student, in that I watch too much Dexter, don’t go to the gym and am known as ‘that girl that always buys desserts’ at my local Tesco. Probably. I have a sneaking suspicion they talk about me in that vein.
I like my cousin enough. He can be really intense sometimes but overall he’s a cool guy. Hardworking like, personable and on the ball. Which makes it all that much awful comparing our lives. Not saying that I am lazy but I could do with being as driven as him. But I like sleep and there are not enough hours in the day to be ‘on’ all the time. That, and I don’t know what I want.
Constantly failing at things makes it so hard to really find direction. Even if I was good at something, one thing, maybe I could put my energy into that, know that I had a purpose, be driven to some end, but alas, being a serial disappointment and constant failure has made me lose sight of any discernible talent that I may have had many years ago.
Also, being a stupid teenager helped, in that I wasted too much time focusing on really stupid things and not enough on the things that I could have done well. Like chemistry or biology.
My cousin has known for a really long time what he wants to do. He went and got his business degree, and experience in finance and is making it on his own. He is ‘on’ all the time, working, going on holidays, having fun and moving forward. He never stops, yet he has time to think (that intensity I was telling you about) and also time to just enjoy life.
I’m not like him. I don’t know what I want. I want everything, I want to do everything. I want to be a scientist and an artist and charitable and shrewd and carefree and innocent and savvy and knowledgeable, and all of these things, but I am so lost, and whenever I try I just end up disappointing myself, and resigning myself to what looks like, in this moment, the ‘real life’.